As Bisexual Awareness Week approaches, let’s talk about what bisexuality actually mean, and why so many of us still get it wrong.
For many bisexual people, the experience is not simply about who they are attracted to. It is also about constantly having to explain themselves, defend their identity, and correct assumptions made by family, friends, partners, and society. In Nigeria, these conversations can be especially difficult. Many people grow up in environments where anything outside heterosexuality is misunderstood, judged, or treated as something that should not be discussed. As a result, bisexual people may find themselves navigating not only questions about their sexuality but also pressure to hide, choose one identity, or prove that their experiences are valid.
One of the most common misunderstandings about bisexuality is the belief that a bisexual person is attracted to men and women in exactly the same way or in equal amounts. This is not true. Bisexuality generally refers to attraction to more than one gender. It does not mean that someone must be attracted to every gender equally, at the same time, or in the same way. Attraction can change over time, and it can look different from one person to another.
A bisexual person may be more attracted to one gender than another. They may experience romantic attraction differently from sexual attraction. They may also have periods in their life when they are attracted to one gender more strongly than others. None of these experiences makes their bisexuality less real. Another common assumption is that a bisexual person’s identity changes depending on who they are dating. When a bisexual person is in a relationship with a man, people may assume they are straight. When they are with a woman, people may assume they are lesbian. These assumptions erase the person’s identity and reduce it to the gender of their current partner.
Being in a relationship with someone of one gender does not cancel out a person’s attraction to other genders. A bisexual person does not become straight because they are dating a man, and they do not become lesbian because they are dating a woman. Their relationship status does not define the full experience of their sexuality.
Bisexual people are also often accused of wanting attention, being confused, or refusing to make a decision. Some are told that they are only experimenting or that they will eventually “pick a side.” These comments may sound harmless to the person making them, but they can be deeply invalidating. They suggest that bisexuality is not a legitimate identity and that bisexual people are simply waiting to become something else.
There is also the assumption that bisexual people are attracted to everyone. This is another misunderstanding. Being bisexual does not mean being attracted to every person. Just as heterosexual people and gay people have individual preferences, bisexual people also have preferences, boundaries, and different experiences of attraction. Sexual orientation does not remove a person’s right to choose who they want to date or be intimate with. For many bisexual people, the most exhausting part of their experience is not their identity itself but the constant need to explain it. They may feel pressured to prove that they are “bisexual enough.” They may be questioned about their dating history, asked to identify the gender they prefer, or told that their identity is only valid if they have dated people of different genders.
These expectations create what is often called bisexual erasure. Bisexual erasure happens when bisexual identities are ignored, dismissed, or treated as though they do not exist. It can happen in everyday conversations, relationships, healthcare settings, workplaces, religious communities, and even within LGBTQ+ spaces.
Bisexual people may also experience pressure from different directions. Some may face rejection from heterosexual communities because of their bisexuality, while also feeling excluded from LGBTQ+ spaces because others believe they are not queer enough. This can leave them feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unsure about where they belong. In Nigeria, privacy and safety are also important parts of this conversation. Not every bisexual person is able to openly discuss their sexuality. Some may fear rejection from their families, loss of employment, harassment, violence, or being exposed without their consent. For this reason, visibility should never be confused with forced disclosure. A person has the right to decide when, how, and with whom they share their identity.
At the same time, representation and visibility matter. When bisexual people see their experiences reflected in conversations, stories, media, and community spaces, it becomes easier to understand that they are not alone. Visibility can challenge stereotypes and remind people that bisexuality is not a phase, a trend, or a failure to make a decision.
Being bisexual can mean experiencing attraction in ways that do not fit society’s expectations. It can mean loving someone while still knowing that your capacity for attraction is not limited to that one person. It can mean having to explain that your identity is real even when other people cannot immediately understand it.
The most important thing is to listen to people when they speak about their own experiences. We do not need to question someone’s identity simply because it does not look the way we expected. We do not need to demand proof, examine their dating history, or decide whether they are “really” bisexual.
Bisexual people deserve the same respect, safety, understanding, and freedom as everyone else. Their identities should not be reduced to stereotypes or judged by the gender of the person they are currently dating.
Bisexuality is not confusion. It is not attention-seeking. It is not indecision. It is a valid sexual orientation, and bisexual people deserve to be believed when they speak about who they are.
- Jax Oud
